Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.

Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

What in the hipster hell is going on here

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.

My dating profile:

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip