[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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When your parents check you’re ok.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
LMAO
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….