You Might Also Like
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Bear knowledge
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
