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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.