mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Nothing.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.