mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I got bills
They’re multiplying
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools