You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
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Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
School be like
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.