Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best table by far

burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that

wife: [sits up] oh my god

husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed

burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch

Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

I can’t stop watching this.

Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download