Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

A table tale✨

#TheRingsOfPower

Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: I make text look like faces

professor XD : what?

If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”