Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand