Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
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My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.