Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

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[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say


We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair


This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad


“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”


My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.


Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.


ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion


I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.


[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab]

I’ve never drank that much….

[wife looks at me in disgust]

ugh, ok I have.


The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.