Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

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Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.


Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.


What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?


That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.


What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.


I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.


Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”


I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.


When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.