@TuckerFly1

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

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@PhuckinCody

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@JimMFelton

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

@BruppFWTX

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

@theshantilly

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

@justabloodygame

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@envydatropic

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

@ericsshadow

[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab]

I’ve never drank that much….

[wife looks at me in disgust]

ugh, ok I have.

@ravenswng_

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.