Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
You Might Also Like
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“TGIM!” – My liver
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
The point of your 20s
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band