@TuckerFly1

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Be vague. Be very vague. Be so vague that eventually you’re not even sure what you just said.

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@realfunghi

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

@iQuoteComedy

That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.

@thenatewolf

What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.

@thebeckyard

I see you are eating seafood at a midwest Chinese buffet. I, too, like to live dangerously.

@TheAlexNevil

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

@robyn_vo

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

@jackiembouvier

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.