Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.

Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

Guilty! 🤪

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!

#LaborDay

I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

Me too

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.