Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?

Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!

Said No Man Ever

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

How can I say no to this ?

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

welcome back

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

Breaking news:

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

*speed dating bell rings

Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.

You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?

Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit

The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.

Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then