Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Fruity
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Coffee for people with no kids
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”