Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
where there’s a whale there’s a whale
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Inventor of sparkling water: Hear me out; water, but it hurts.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.