Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.

Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.

A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Plant care tips

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?

Feyonce.

*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

technically true but not a great slogan

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]

Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing

Judge [teary]: Just wonderful

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

waiter: is everything ok?

me: *bubble noises*

Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.

With this onion ring, I thee fed

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.