Move over, pizza rat. đ A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I canât wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, itâs always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyerâs a ruff negotiator
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess Iâll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think heâs creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I know I shouldnât make hot beverages from fish parts, but itâs just my gill tea pleasure.
âŚNo, YOU shut up.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Authors subtitle books âA Novelâ. Why donât we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but Iâm not great at it.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Mechanic: thatâs gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said âthatâs gonna costâ
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming âWHATâS THATâ and a driving parent yelling âI CANâT SEE WHAT YOUâRE POINTING ATâ repeat until everyone is crying
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
𤣠Iâve got a million of them.
đ¤ Who threw that shoe?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Ever since we moved into our house, weâve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Iâm pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled âwhat do humans enjoy?â and the first result was âSweet Baby Rayâsâ and he just stopped reading after that
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth itâs âcoolâ and âneat but when I do it itâs âwhatâs happening to that manâs face mommy?â and âwhy is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?â
Itâs an epidemicâŚ
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you thereâs pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying âthereâs lemonsâ and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
driving is absolutely insane. Iâm gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it canât be heated before itâs heated. donât give me that look
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacistâs window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.