Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
I have no passwords left in me
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.