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I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Batman v Dracula
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
10-year-old: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
Me: We can have ice cream after dinner.
10: Dinner will ruin my appetite.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”