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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Note to self: always read the final line
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
security at the airport getting more straightforward
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.