Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Guys which shade of gery should I get

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]

Buyer message: $50

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

Me: (Sneezes)

Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978