Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?