Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.

Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin

store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?

*shrugs*
*swipes right*

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

Imagine us having sex..

Wrong, more lasagna.

I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.