Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?

Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside

*45 minutes later*

She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child

Me: Just one more hit. I need it.

Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.

Me: *hits snooze button*

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3