Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.

Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.