Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Why socialize when you could party inside your room with your 99+ personalities.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

You tell ppl you not tryna drink and they act like you just turned down 100k