*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon