Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?

*blinks profusely at cashier*

Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!

Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*

wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u

You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.

Santa: yes.

Me: put them together?

Santa: yep.

Me: wrap them up?

Santa: that’s right.

Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?

Santa:

Me:

Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit