Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.

Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*

Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.

Me: Really? *holds on to change*

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*