*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?