*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.