*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
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*seductively corrects your posture*
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Saturday
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Cool shirt 🙂
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
This kid is going places
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian