Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t beat an alive horse either.

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

do u think theres a butter planet?

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Omg. It happened again.

I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.

Help me 😩