Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!

you can read the whole thing here:

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.

If you love someone, set them free.

When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.

A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time

all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough

I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.

look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion

is getting good sleep gay now

is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours

interviewer: describe your hero

me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.

Him: *breaks down crying

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both