Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

I don’t eat some foods.

-vagueans

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-

toupeed eagle: what?

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.

Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.

She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.

Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car