Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*

Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE

I did not eat the cake…

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.

when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.