Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2022 will be better than 2021

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond

james bond: UNO!

villain: shit

sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]

sorry this might take a while…

If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.

Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.

Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”

TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.

I’ve learned enough Spanish to dream in Spanish, but I can’t understand what the fuck anyone is saying 😀

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot