Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

*Seductively hides in the woods

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!

Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?

shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.