Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.

Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

👀

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I can handle anything that comes my way except for when I’m hungry or sleepy or stressed or have a stuffy nose

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to

Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.

Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today