[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
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Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”