Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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Bless you
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
