Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.

i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol

Eve: oh right, you like puns

Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

Me: What do you think of your haircut?

Wife: I need more volume

Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid