“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
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Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
*puts cutlery down*
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS