Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.

Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

My mood is currently on “shuffle.”

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie

Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.