[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Awesome parenting 😂
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat