Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

sensitive skin

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*

There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.

DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

I don’t know what to do

Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.

..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.

i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system

We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone