Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Voodoo map

Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.

I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me

Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.

According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.

Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-

ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.