Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.