@ArfMeasures

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@envydatropic

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

@froghammer

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

@TheCatWhisprer

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

@hythemafia

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

@ninjadinosaur1

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@gojarbe

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL