@ArfMeasures

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

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@daemonic3

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

@Karate_Horse

[robbery in progress in the store I’m at]
*quickly remembers training from karate school*
*bows to robber*
*is kicked in head so hard*

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

@WheelTod

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@Brianhopecomedy

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

@BadassBarbie11

Why don’t they just use a 3 year old with a drum set as an enhanced interrogation technique?

@neonorchid1

If I ever put ‘Taken’ in my Twitter bio, just know it was…

A: By Aliens

B: By the men in white coats

C: Into custody

@roggyie

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..