Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

[cross-country trip]

me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap

passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

*Jesus sits down at the bar*

“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right