Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

*pronounces fake like saké*

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.

DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs

I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.