MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
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God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The days of good grammer has went
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?