MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?