Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I am crying
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
