MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
If you’re going end up on an episode of Dateline, make sure you’re the killer
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question