Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I feel attacked.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Single worst piece of software ever invented
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.