Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Why am I like this?
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At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
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There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…