Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
How about daylight saves us for once
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
yikes
A Short Story.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?