Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Wanna see awkward?

Hand me a baby.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

My mom says if I’m a good boy, I can be the captain of the gravy boat at Thanksgiving this year.

My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.

So, I took her to Subways.

Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

Wish the trash would take me out for once.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”