Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.

*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.

Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room

[God creating penguins]

I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

I forgot how to panic. Help

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.