Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.

Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.

Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.

[saturday, 5am]

no one:

no one at all:

delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!

[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!

I have so many questions.

I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

[At the register]

“Find everything ok?”

“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:

Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas

Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up

Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.

Pretty much! 😂👀

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.