MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My biological clock is wheezing.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.