Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

The vampire myth probably started with a really bad hickey

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”

I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought

“Moo.”

– hipster sheep

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

Oh. My. God.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?