Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.

Thinking about Jeff

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

Me too

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions

Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons

[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.