Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
somebody come look at this
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?