Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
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Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
the way this pissed me off… 😭
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration