[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
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I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”