Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?

Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones

Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich

Me: …

me: why are you leaving me Barbar?

Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right

me: but I love you Brabra

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.